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The Communications Challenge

“The greatest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.”
George Bernard Shaw

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The Cost of a Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.” The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying, “That will be $5,000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?” The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth it!”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive- $10,000! What does it do?” “Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”

Übersetzung mit SYSTRAN bei AltaVista am 28.4.1999

Ein Tourist ging in ein Geschäft für Haustiere und betrachtete die Tiere auf Bildschirmanzeige. Während er dort war, ging ein anderer Kunde innen und sagte zum Ladenbesitzer, ” ich habe einen c-Fallhammer bitte. “, Der genickte Ladenbesitzer, ging darüber zu einem Rahmen an der Seite des Systems hinaus und nahm einen Fallhammer heraus. Er paßte einen Stellring und ein leash und übergibt es dem Kunden, Saying, “, der ist $5.000. “, Der Kunde zahlte und ging heraus mit seinem Fallhammer. Startled, der Tourist ging darüber zum Ladenbesitzer hinaus und sagte, “, daß ein sehr kostspieliger Fallhammer war. Warum, kostete es soviel? “, Der Ladenbesitzer beantwortet, ” Amperestunde, daß Fallhammer in C programmieren kann – sehr schnell, fester Code, keine Programmfehler, die wohl sind wert es! “,

Der Tourist betrachtete den Fallhammer in einem anderen Rahmen. ” das irgendjemandes sogar kostspieligere $10.000! Was es, tun Sie? “, ” Oh-, dieses irgendjemandes ein C++-Fallhammer; er kann die objektorientierte Programmierung, Sicht C++, sogar irgendein Java handhaben. Das ganzes wirklich nützliche Material, ” sagte den Ladenbesitzer.

Der Tourist schaute herum nach wenig länger und sah einen dritten Fallhammer in einem Rahmen von seinen Selbst. Die Preismarke um seinen Ansatz las $50.000. Er keuchte zum Ladenbesitzer, “, den Kosten eine mehr als alle andere zusammenfügten! Was auf Masse es, tun Sie? “,

Der Ladenbesitzer antwortete, ” gut, habe ich nicht wirklich gesehen, es alles tut, aber es sagt, daß es ist ein Berater. “,

Gehört zu: Humor

The Hunting of Elephants

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everythingthat is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at leastone unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one uniqueelephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as anexercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising this Algorithm:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
1. Catch each animal seen.
2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
3. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify this Algorithm by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catchwith the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
1.compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and
2.enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Brought to you by Hacker’s Webpage!
Http://lonestar.texas.net/~hacker

Gehört zu: Humor
Siehe auch: Wolfgang Neuss

The official routine (Solar Eclipse)

The Colonel says to the captain:
“morning at 0900 o’clock takes place a solar eclipse.
Such a natural occurence cannot one all days observe.
Let the crew in Tenue ID on the barracks yard meet.
During the observation of this rare event I will give personally the assertions.
If it should rain, we will not be able to see much. The recruits are to then go into the cafeteria. ”

The captain to the first lieutenant:
” in accordance with instruction Colonel takes place in the morning at 0900 o’clock a solar eclipse.
If it should rain, we will not be able to see good in the Tenue the ID on the Kaserenenhof.
In this case we will execute a disappearing of the sun in the cafeteria.
Thus something that one cannot observe all days. ”

The second lieutenant to the Korporal:
” if it in the cafeteria to rain tomorrow should, something that one cannot see all day, our Colonel around 0900 in the Tenue ID will thus disappear. ”

The Korporal to the recruits: ” it seems that at 0900 o’clock our Colonel disappears tomorrow. It harms that one cannot observe that all days!!! ”

From unknown quantities source in a well-known institution