Gehört zu: Humor

The Hunting of Elephants

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everythingthat is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at leastone unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one uniqueelephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as anexercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising this Algorithm:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
1. Catch each animal seen.
2. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
3. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify this Algorithm by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catchwith the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
1.compliment the vice president’s keen eyesight and
2.enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

Brought to you by Hacker’s Webpage!
Http://lonestar.texas.net/~hacker

Gehört zu: Humor

Ingenieure und Manager im Heissluftballon

Ein Mann fliegt einen Heissluftballon und realisiert, dass er die Orientierung verloren hat. Er reduziert seine Höhe und macht schliesslich einen Mann am Boden aus. Er lässt den Ballon noch weiter sinken und ruft:
“Entschuldigung, können Sie mir helfen? Ich versprach meinem Freund, ihn vor einer halben Stunde zu treffen, aber ich weiss nicht, wo ich mich befinde.”
Der Mann am Boden sagt: “Ja. Sie befinden sich in einem Heissluftballon.
Ihre Position ist zwischen 40 und 42 Grad nördliche Breite, und zwischen 58 und 60 Grad westliche Länge.”
“Sie müssen Ingenieur sein”, sagt der Ballonfahrer.
“Bin ich”, antwortet der Mann. “Wie haben Sie das gewusst?”
“Sehen Sie”, sagt der Ballonfahrer, “alles, was Sie mir gesagt haben, ist technisch korrekt, aber ich habe keine Ahnung, was ich mit Ihren Informationen anfangen soll, und ich weiss immer noch nicht, wo ich bin.”
Der Ingenieur sagt hierauf: “Sie müssen ein Manager sein.”
“Bin ich”, antwortet der Ballonfahrer, “Wie haben Sie das gewusst?”
“Sehen Sie”, sagt der Ingenieur, “Sie wissen nicht, wo Sie sind, oder wohin Sie gehen. Sie haben ein Versprechen gegeben, von dem Sie keine Ahnung haben, wie Sie es einhalten können, und Sie erwarten, dass ich Ihnen dieses Problem löse. Tatsache ist: Sie befinden sich in exakt derselben Position, in der Sie waren, bevor wir uns getroffen haben, aber irgendwie ist jetzt alles meine Schuld.”